10
Oct
07

You Call That a Name?

I got this and thought it was hysterical. Obviously the writer pretty much hates all these band so some was edited out but interesting nonetheless:

Nickelback:

http://cracked.com/jp/band24.jpg

The story: Lead singer Chad Kroeger was having trouble coming up with a name, and so approached his brother, who worked at a Starbucks. Coffee was $1.95, which meant every customer who paid two bucks got—wait for it—a nickel back. (It was either that or We’re Sorry About the Homeless Man Shooting Up in the Bathroom.)

Why it’s ridiculous: Asking cashiers at franchise coffee shops for career advice can only end in tragedy. (Kroeger suffered similar woes after getting a Wal-Mart greeter to do his taxes for him, resulting in the repossession of his house.) If you walk up to the cashier behind a Starbucks counter and, instead of ordering a Tall Sumatran, ask them to name your crummy band, odds are you’re going to get something giving-people-change-for-coffee-based…


Matchbox 20:

http://cracked.com/jp/band21.jpg

The story: Explanations range from the name being the title of a song from an earlier band to the band’s drummer seeing the word “matchbox” and the number 20 on a guy’s shirt in a restaurant.

Why it’s ridiculous: If you’re going to pick a band name that doesn’t mean crap, there’s an unspoken rule it should at least sound cool (Soundgarden, etc). Matchbox 20 manages a triple play of mediocrity: It’s incomprehensible, it’s boring and it’s not even very original, given how many other generic bands showed up at the same time as matchbox with “word-number” combos (Blink-182, Sum 41, 13 Engines, Seven Mary Three, etc.).


Puddle of Mudd:

http://cracked.com/jp/band17.jpg

The story: The 1993 Missouri River flood left the band’s practice space a muddy mess, which led them to this name—instead of the far better one, Missouri River Flood.

Why it’s ridiculous: Not only do we get an extra “d” for no reason (these guys are the anti-Staind), we also have the privilege of getting an altogether unnecessary word. No, it couldn’t just be Mudd Puddle. We definitely need that extra “of.” Just like when you’re ordering lunch and will sometimes get a sandwich of tuna with chips of potato. Bonus ridiculousness: This band name would actually work perfectly as the name for a bohemian coffee shop where a girl in an orange tank top with a brown bandana on her head asks if you want an organic wheat muffin…


Hoobastank:

http://cracked.com/jp/band06.jpg

The story: In an interview, here’s what the band’s vocalist, Doug Robb, had to say about the name: “It’s really cool, it’s one of those old high school inside-joke words that didn’t really mean anything.”

Why it’s ridiculous: Actually, Doug Robb, it’s not really cool. If you’re going to name your band after a high school inside-joke word that doesn’t mean anything, why not use a word that doesn’t sound like something you’d shout if you had to wear a helmet all the time and liked to chase after rabbits? Also, you might want to avoid names that manage to suggest, in some way, that your hoobas stink…

Thanks Donna, your hubbie rocks!

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1 Response to “You Call That a Name?”


  1. 1 worshipguitarist
    October 10, 2007 at 9:01 am

    Pretty funny, and I also pretty much hate all of those bands too.

    For future reference, Soundgarden is actually the name of a sculpture or something in Seattle.


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